What I must do now I cannot specifically foresee the potential effects of, but by all intents and purposes I know I will not like them. You see I must say goodbye to the thought or memory of silence, for it is a realm from which I will never be able to return to again. I have inexplicably been cursed in a manner of speaking. I now have a constant demon with me whom I am responsible for.
The irony of the situation I am in is that my greatest fault and my greatest attribute is my heart, not necessarily the heart itself but the fact that I willingly (also gladly) and at times inadvertently share, give, and place my heart into every situation imaginable. Previously I would place it in the most vulnerable positions and at times I would be incredibly hurt by the repercussions of such actions. And like all if not many people the end result of which would be to retract the wounded heart so that further damage can be avoided. But like all things or at least with most as time passes these wounds heal and the heart retains its regular rhythm and rate and begins again to enter the vicious cycle that can in part define the human race.
My blunder, my glorious mistake was attaching the senses which I have held so dear to my heart, to my happiness, to the spirit of joy I attain in this world. I wholeheartedly believe that it is the simple things in life which can make us happy. Whatever this may be for you, for me it was the art of people watching, not only observing individuals from certain distances whether they are friends or strangers either taking in the environment or the situation I just found a contentment with the smiles on their faces with the laughter that came from their conversation. In essence being happy from the enjoyment of others. This, this has been my lifelong goal, my dream to see other's happiness from the world around them. If I could I would do everything in my power to see this happen. I want to give, give everything if need be because I am drawn to this desire, compelled because I have this heart. A heart whose desires I can never satisfy whose cravings are never met.
This blessing, this curse I have been provided I have not questioned nor would I ever want taken from me. All the joy and happiness I have derived thus far has been from the ability to take in this glorious world through sight and sound. It is an immeasurable quality which I cherished beyond all belief. Anything, anything of dire consequence could impact me and I knew, previously, that I would heal, I would return, 'tis a passing in the wind and nothing else. This, this is what I wish has happened but it has not. For within the confines of this mortal coil are injuries sustained that cannot be so easily healed, which bear with them a demon of sorts, a demon that cannot be suppressed. I have been able to acquire such a demon.
The loss of my hearing and instigation of the ceaseless ringing which I have been introduced has for all intents and purposes broken my heart. And this is what has driven a staunch sense of fear into my being. That through this occurrence I have been dealt a blow from which I may never be able to recover. Like so many other hurts this one has had a significant impact, like the turtle when its life is threatened it retracts into its shell in order to escape further danger. But this, this is different. A part of me will not leave this shell because I cannot escape this injury, this demon. Its presence is constant, through ear aches at times when I cannot hear the ringing to quieter moments when the demon arises to claim its place. This, this is my new world, and I the alien, have now come to a stalemate.
What fears me is not the strangeness of such a place nor the constant burden which now presents itself but the damage which has been done upon my heart. For in this tragedy of sorts the heart which has so eagerly lend itself to any and all occasions does not place other's thoughts and feelings so readily as it has before. A dramatic change has taken place which I cannot completely comprehend, but the blow which I have been dealt has altered the willingness of my heart to be open and subordinate to others. For it desires so much to complete this mission, now it cannot because the beauty of the world, the environment in which it was found joy has been irrevocably changed. And there is no return from the world it once came.
This, this is what hurts, the change but more so the consequences of such a change. While I know all to well change is a fundamental fact of life, why, why this way. I needed so little from this world. The small things which gave me so much peace so much contentment are for the most part not necessarily gone, but altered in a way which they cannot retain their former majesty. So little I took and so much I was willing to give but apparently other plans were afoot, other paths I was supposed to follow but nonetheless why, why when my heart was so open and now it will never be the same. Before it was so ready to take on so much of the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. But now it cannot, it cannot because of the demon, the demon which I now possess. I am sorry, for it was an avoidable situation, a momentary lapse in judgment which has made this predicament so much worse. To hold destiny in your hand and do nothing about it is a reprehensible gesture, never to be repeated.
To further relate this message one look no further than the lines of the song below
-
Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done
I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated ... see?
Blind man at a canyon's edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind
Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done
-
Don't know if this is my last entry for awhile but I think it will be, sorry to say it but I don't know what else to say. Want to escape this new world but that won't happen. I place faith in the future and the good Lord above.
Signing off for now.
P.S. Sorry Carl I really messed up, I hope you can forgive me.
