Helm's Deep

If you were to ask me if I saw the hand of God in my life as of recent I would have to say no. If you were to ask me if I read the Bible, I would answer yes, sometimes. If you were to ask me if this and my faith has helped me through my struggles I would answer yes, sometimes. If you were to delve deeper into this issue there would be many facets surrounding it. Not an easy task to explain within a single entry. Much like the men who once stood behind the mountain fortress whose courage at one point was holding on only by a thread. My faith mimics their courage. While these brave men found victory at the end of the day, I can not definitively say what will become of me in the future.

While the events of the past few months have opened new wounds, it is by no means a single occurrence which has caused this wavering but a multitude of heartaches and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to which have propagated such an outcome. But it is the fact that some individuals can only take so much, can only endure or withstand so much before they break, before the calamity and the chaos of this world gets to them and changes their outlook. For I believe it is not so much divine intervention which determines what happens to us but our own making. Where does my destiny lie, or does it lie at all? Previously, I thought that a man does what he can until his destiny presents itself to him. And that we're all on the same path along with the mistakes we'll make along the way. Now I feel that it is strictly up to us, there might be a path that we are on but no one is watching over our shoulder or is protecting our weaker borders. It is up to me to protect myself from being hurt. Pessimistic I know, but that's where life has led me thus far.

My mother tells me I'm a fighter and I have been fighting all my life. Fighting sickness, betrayal, failure, and now my peace of mind. Sometimes I just want to stop fighting, to lay down my arms to initiate a cease fire because this war grows tiresome. But then again that's my plot in life, like those who experience a lifetime of pain for no apparent reason at all. Mine is to fight, but how I wish I didn't have make each and everyday a battle. Those of you might not be understanding my position but that's ok, I wouldn't want you to walk in my shoes or experience my history. I've always tried to keep my head up, it just seems like every time I do here comes the next wave like an ocean roar. Now it appears I'm leaking life when I'd rather be leaking blood. I don't mind losing blood as long as in doing so you gain a better sense for life as a result. You can replace blood but life slips by our eyes and is forever lost.