Either Way

Funny thing happens when you can't stop listening to a song on repeat. For some reason I've been completely captivated by this song, "Either Way" by Guster. Doesn't seem to make any sense, simply put this song has captivated me. No matter how long I listen to it on repeat it doesn't seem to get on my nerves or grow tiresome. I don't think it has any specific meaning in my life, no memory or emotion which binds me to it. The melody/harmony of the track isn't by any means incredible, in fact it's average at best, but yet it continues to entrance me. I think the reason for this is in its simplicity. A simple song to provide a pause, a break in the day, something I can use to escape the recent turmoil I have experienced. But besides everything else, it puts a smile on my face. Listening to it for the 324th time I smile and think, "have I lost my damned mind, why am I still listening to this song?" A welcome lighthearted mood that now provides me the ability to reflect upon so many things. While everything I cannot explain, I have reached certains conclusions.

Sometimes the mind's ambition can exceed the heart's capability to endure the trials and tribulations which are present upon the path chosen. While it is all too true that one should guard their heart, for it is the wellspring of life. At times, leaving it unprotected exposes it to the calamity of the world which makes life so long. Allowing your heart to be subjected to such devices can be destructive, better yet it can be devastating, at least in regard to the person who you've tried to become thus far.

Didn't need this

I didn't need to barely get any sleep last night. I didn't need to sleep through my alarm this morning. I certainly didn't need to miss the train I ran to catch. And I really didn't need for the rain to make it such a miserable day. Most importantly, I didn't need for my heart to collapse under the weight of so many things as I finally tried to get some work done this afternoon.

Autonomy, the only way we as human beings could have survived the last million or so years. Lucky for us the wiring which stimulates our heart to beat is completely separate from the center or surroundings of our conscious thought. If these two processes had any relation to one another my heart would have simply stopped around 12:45 p.m. today. I would have flinched, my face would have made a peculiar expression, I would've taken my right arm and placed it over my chest. Realizing then the absence of activity I would've said "huh" and then simply slumped over the books scattered across the desk in the library.

Fate must have intervened somewhere, who knows maybe there were a few early humanoids, humans, whatever you might want to envision or imagine who were wired differently. Their every conscious thought having a symbiotic relationship with their heart. Eventually these creatures would have died out long ago because mounting stress and tension would have doomed these poor souls at birth.

I truly wonder sometimes. How does my heart keep beating? How is it able to handle the onslaught of so many earthly wounds. I am quite impressed by it because right now the only thing holding it together are twist ties and duct tape. Spot repairs, done quickly because time was short, things to be done, other assignments to complete, responsibilities to meet. But there is nothing left. No one has informed my heart I've run out of gas, the check engine light has come on, the order to retreat has been given. If just keeps ticking, without a hiccup, without knowledge of the events transpiring in it's mist. A marvel of fortitude and strength from which the mind could learn so much from. Not to say that the mind doesn't have it's own mechanism of damage control to refer. I honestly think sometimes I should've been an actor, at least the dissapointment in failing to achieve this goal would not have been so damaging.

Acting, something I know too well. Simply internalize every unpleasant thought and play the role designated to you. The only negative aspect of doing something such as this is that the internalization is cumulative. Added over time, especially with a wounded heart, it becomes too much for the mind to endure and enventually it crashes, a complete system failure, except for the heart. It keeps on going as if nothing has happened. Lucky for me these two systems are in place for safety, and life is maintained. Moving forwared is the only option, albeit slowly, it continues but days like this are of no help.

Didn't need today, but it happened. Didn't need to pick up the pieces again, but for now that's the only thing I can see myself doing in the meantime. My heart is still beating and there are things to be done. Who am I to go against nature?