Didn't need this

I didn't need to barely get any sleep last night. I didn't need to sleep through my alarm this morning. I certainly didn't need to miss the train I ran to catch. And I really didn't need for the rain to make it such a miserable day. Most importantly, I didn't need for my heart to collapse under the weight of so many things as I finally tried to get some work done this afternoon.

Autonomy, the only way we as human beings could have survived the last million or so years. Lucky for us the wiring which stimulates our heart to beat is completely separate from the center or surroundings of our conscious thought. If these two processes had any relation to one another my heart would have simply stopped around 12:45 p.m. today. I would have flinched, my face would have made a peculiar expression, I would've taken my right arm and placed it over my chest. Realizing then the absence of activity I would've said "huh" and then simply slumped over the books scattered across the desk in the library.

Fate must have intervened somewhere, who knows maybe there were a few early humanoids, humans, whatever you might want to envision or imagine who were wired differently. Their every conscious thought having a symbiotic relationship with their heart. Eventually these creatures would have died out long ago because mounting stress and tension would have doomed these poor souls at birth.

I truly wonder sometimes. How does my heart keep beating? How is it able to handle the onslaught of so many earthly wounds. I am quite impressed by it because right now the only thing holding it together are twist ties and duct tape. Spot repairs, done quickly because time was short, things to be done, other assignments to complete, responsibilities to meet. But there is nothing left. No one has informed my heart I've run out of gas, the check engine light has come on, the order to retreat has been given. If just keeps ticking, without a hiccup, without knowledge of the events transpiring in it's mist. A marvel of fortitude and strength from which the mind could learn so much from. Not to say that the mind doesn't have it's own mechanism of damage control to refer. I honestly think sometimes I should've been an actor, at least the dissapointment in failing to achieve this goal would not have been so damaging.

Acting, something I know too well. Simply internalize every unpleasant thought and play the role designated to you. The only negative aspect of doing something such as this is that the internalization is cumulative. Added over time, especially with a wounded heart, it becomes too much for the mind to endure and enventually it crashes, a complete system failure, except for the heart. It keeps on going as if nothing has happened. Lucky for me these two systems are in place for safety, and life is maintained. Moving forwared is the only option, albeit slowly, it continues but days like this are of no help.

Didn't need today, but it happened. Didn't need to pick up the pieces again, but for now that's the only thing I can see myself doing in the meantime. My heart is still beating and there are things to be done. Who am I to go against nature?