Howie Day just getting it done

(of course on repeat, for the better part of tuesday)

sweet is the sight
of her room
window open by candlelight
how would you know
cold winter on the shore
chills a dress she wore
it's on the floor
still it feels so warm today

And that's why i'm wondering why
you had to tell me
what's goin' on in your head
what's wrong come around
to another time when you
don't have to run

and when she says she wants somebody else
i hope you know that she doesn't mean you
and when she breaks down and makes a sound
you'll never hear her the way that i do
And when she said she wants someone to love
i hope you know she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know that she doesn't mean you
yeah... no, no

swing into flight
over hills over her hills at twilight
Yeah, i guess that's right now
while we're here
tell me why it's so funny
that you're so funny when you're mad
cause it's mad, so mad

that’s why I’m wondering why
you had to tell me
what’s going on in your head
what’s wrong
come around to another time when you
don’t have to run

and when she says she wants somebody else
i hope you know that she doesn't mean you
and when she breaks down and makes a sound
you'll never hear her the way that i do
And when she says she wants someone to love
i hope you know she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know that she doesn't mean you
yeah... no she doesn't mean you

yeah and I don’t know where
I'm coming from and
I don't know what
we're coming to and
and I don't know what
it means to me
and you don't know what
it means to you
she doesn't mean you

Track 3 on repeat

That the sky would lift
That I'd find my place
That I'd see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain't no more

Taste the broken hearts
In the vacant lots
See the fruit that rots on the trees
Try to turn my head
Leave it all for dead
But it's in my mind always

Honey lately I've been way down
A load on my mind
Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if I know
I seen that look in your eye
No-one ever gave it a chance
I could have said it in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss
From this cup of bliss
Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red
Leave it all for dead
But it's in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down
A load on my mind
Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if I know
I seen that look in your eye
No-one ever gave it a chance
I could have said it in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Honey lately
Honey lately
Honey lately I've been way down
Honey lately I've been way down
Honey lately I've been way down
Honey lately I've been way down
Lately
Lately

End of the Road

I'm pretty sure it's done. I just don't have anything left to give him. My faith is just completely dried up. I mean it's either this or continue to feel the sharp pains of so many years believing in something, that the desires placed upon your heart were genuine and true and that your best intentions were correct. Now it's as if everything you've done was wrong and you have nothing to show for it. I just can't continue to go down this path. It's like I'm in an awful relationship that just continues to drive me into the ground, I have to let it go so that I stop hurting myself. I've tried turning to many things but to no avail. I've lost too much, but then again I was willing to give it all up. Never wanted riches or clothes, nor fame or popularity, just the simple desire to do his work while I was here. Now everything's a blur, I might be making a mistake where I'll look back and realize it was wrong but right now it just makes things easier. For now I just have to many promises to keep and I need to be able to function normally. Sad to say it but it's over.

Helm's Deep

If you were to ask me if I saw the hand of God in my life as of recent I would have to say no. If you were to ask me if I read the Bible, I would answer yes, sometimes. If you were to ask me if this and my faith has helped me through my struggles I would answer yes, sometimes. If you were to delve deeper into this issue there would be many facets surrounding it. Not an easy task to explain within a single entry. Much like the men who once stood behind the mountain fortress whose courage at one point was holding on only by a thread. My faith mimics their courage. While these brave men found victory at the end of the day, I can not definitively say what will become of me in the future.

While the events of the past few months have opened new wounds, it is by no means a single occurrence which has caused this wavering but a multitude of heartaches and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to which have propagated such an outcome. But it is the fact that some individuals can only take so much, can only endure or withstand so much before they break, before the calamity and the chaos of this world gets to them and changes their outlook. For I believe it is not so much divine intervention which determines what happens to us but our own making. Where does my destiny lie, or does it lie at all? Previously, I thought that a man does what he can until his destiny presents itself to him. And that we're all on the same path along with the mistakes we'll make along the way. Now I feel that it is strictly up to us, there might be a path that we are on but no one is watching over our shoulder or is protecting our weaker borders. It is up to me to protect myself from being hurt. Pessimistic I know, but that's where life has led me thus far.

My mother tells me I'm a fighter and I have been fighting all my life. Fighting sickness, betrayal, failure, and now my peace of mind. Sometimes I just want to stop fighting, to lay down my arms to initiate a cease fire because this war grows tiresome. But then again that's my plot in life, like those who experience a lifetime of pain for no apparent reason at all. Mine is to fight, but how I wish I didn't have make each and everyday a battle. Those of you might not be understanding my position but that's ok, I wouldn't want you to walk in my shoes or experience my history. I've always tried to keep my head up, it just seems like every time I do here comes the next wave like an ocean roar. Now it appears I'm leaking life when I'd rather be leaking blood. I don't mind losing blood as long as in doing so you gain a better sense for life as a result. You can replace blood but life slips by our eyes and is forever lost.

Stay Tuned

More to come, just a brief intermission. Better yet, just consider it a momentary case of writer's block.

Shattered Pieces

Staggering, simply staggering how the trials and tribulations of life do indeed lead each and everyone of us. In my eyes life can be summed up by a series of glancing blows aimed at the heart. Each assault upon it is a lesson in survival coping with the wounds that impact us to a greater degree than others. But what of the direct hits, those attacks which find their target. These pinpoint strikes are devastating, and bring with them a ferocity and a propensity that is hard to comprehend. The damage inflicted is severe, one must almost have an admiration for such onslaughts because of the implications they bring with them. They unwittingly creep up and absolutely reek havoc upon the unsuspecting individual.

Had so much I was looking forward to, so many things I wanted to do and with so many people but now it appears things have changed. Things have to change but I would have never imagined in this way. I Did not require or even need many things out of life. Just wanted to get through it for the most part unscathed by wounds such as this. What did I want? I wanted to listen to my future wife's heartbeat next to mine, I wanted to just listen to my son breathing as he slept in his crib. Simple things, simple desires but now these have been torn away. Events I looked forward to now I can't see anything that will bring me the joy these events would have. I have a different burden to bear, a certain price to pay in life. Why of all things did this have to happen.

My heart won't be the same, I don't think I'll ever be the same. That's the worst part of this, knowing where you came from and realizing the point you're at now and looking back and remarking I wish I was still there. I wish I still had the sense of joy, peace, and happiness but I just can't find them. And that's what hurts the most.

Evaporated

What I must do now I cannot specifically foresee the potential effects of, but by all intents and purposes I know I will not like them. You see I must say goodbye to the thought or memory of silence, for it is a realm from which I will never be able to return to again. I have inexplicably been cursed in a manner of speaking. I now have a constant demon with me whom I am responsible for.

The irony of the situation I am in is that my greatest fault and my greatest attribute is my heart, not necessarily the heart itself but the fact that I willingly (also gladly) and at times inadvertently share, give, and place my heart into every situation imaginable. Previously I would place it in the most vulnerable positions and at times I would be incredibly hurt by the repercussions of such actions. And like all if not many people the end result of which would be to retract the wounded heart so that further damage can be avoided. But like all things or at least with most as time passes these wounds heal and the heart retains its regular rhythm and rate and begins again to enter the vicious cycle that can in part define the human race.

My blunder, my glorious mistake was attaching the senses which I have held so dear to my heart, to my happiness, to the spirit of joy I attain in this world. I wholeheartedly believe that it is the simple things in life which can make us happy. Whatever this may be for you, for me it was the art of people watching, not only observing individuals from certain distances whether they are friends or strangers either taking in the environment or the situation I just found a contentment with the smiles on their faces with the laughter that came from their conversation. In essence being happy from the enjoyment of others. This, this has been my lifelong goal, my dream to see other's happiness from the world around them. If I could I would do everything in my power to see this happen. I want to give, give everything if need be because I am drawn to this desire, compelled because I have this heart. A heart whose desires I can never satisfy whose cravings are never met.

This blessing, this curse I have been provided I have not questioned nor would I ever want taken from me. All the joy and happiness I have derived thus far has been from the ability to take in this glorious world through sight and sound. It is an immeasurable quality which I cherished beyond all belief. Anything, anything of dire consequence could impact me and I knew, previously, that I would heal, I would return, 'tis a passing in the wind and nothing else. This, this is what I wish has happened but it has not. For within the confines of this mortal coil are injuries sustained that cannot be so easily healed, which bear with them a demon of sorts, a demon that cannot be suppressed. I have been able to acquire such a demon.

The loss of my hearing and instigation of the ceaseless ringing which I have been introduced has for all intents and purposes broken my heart. And this is what has driven a staunch sense of fear into my being. That through this occurrence I have been dealt a blow from which I may never be able to recover. Like so many other hurts this one has had a significant impact, like the turtle when its life is threatened it retracts into its shell in order to escape further danger. But this, this is different. A part of me will not leave this shell because I cannot escape this injury, this demon. Its presence is constant, through ear aches at times when I cannot hear the ringing to quieter moments when the demon arises to claim its place. This, this is my new world, and I the alien, have now come to a stalemate.

What fears me is not the strangeness of such a place nor the constant burden which now presents itself but the damage which has been done upon my heart. For in this tragedy of sorts the heart which has so eagerly lend itself to any and all occasions does not place other's thoughts and feelings so readily as it has before. A dramatic change has taken place which I cannot completely comprehend, but the blow which I have been dealt has altered the willingness of my heart to be open and subordinate to others. For it desires so much to complete this mission, now it cannot because the beauty of the world, the environment in which it was found joy has been irrevocably changed. And there is no return from the world it once came.

This, this is what hurts, the change but more so the consequences of such a change. While I know all to well change is a fundamental fact of life, why, why this way. I needed so little from this world. The small things which gave me so much peace so much contentment are for the most part not necessarily gone, but altered in a way which they cannot retain their former majesty. So little I took and so much I was willing to give but apparently other plans were afoot, other paths I was supposed to follow but nonetheless why, why when my heart was so open and now it will never be the same. Before it was so ready to take on so much of the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. But now it cannot, it cannot because of the demon, the demon which I now possess. I am sorry, for it was an avoidable situation, a momentary lapse in judgment which has made this predicament so much worse. To hold destiny in your hand and do nothing about it is a reprehensible gesture, never to be repeated.

To further relate this message one look no further than the lines of the song below
-
Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated ... see?

Blind man at a canyon's edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done
-
Don't know if this is my last entry for awhile but I think it will be, sorry to say it but I don't know what else to say. Want to escape this new world but that won't happen. I place faith in the future and the good Lord above.

Signing off for now.



P.S. Sorry Carl I really messed up, I hope you can forgive me.